Christmas Letters

I am going to go ahead and admit it: Christmas letters sort of bug me.

That is actually way too politically correct: I can't stand them. Another mom on a homeschool forum was lamenting about the same thing, and her hilarious take on the dreaded Christmas Letter inspired this post. Allow me to share a typical Christmas letter, just so we are all on the same page:

Dear Adoring Fans,

Welcome to our family's Christmas letter, which is the best ever. It was published (on a MacBook, of course) with the latest software, in the coolest font, on the most expensive paper available today. Our marvelous family once again has exceeded your expectations and grown more, done more, earned more, been more cute, and exhibited more Absolute Awesomeness than anyone else you know.

Examples: Our gorgeous daughter, Princess Summer, won the Miss America pageant (again) and will continue her studies at Harvard in January where she will be heading up a research project on the flight patterns of African Swallows and their effect on Global Climate Change. President Elect Obama has requested her to head up the EPA, but being a good conservative, she of course, refused. Her latest album is available for download on Itunes and had debuted at number four on Billboards Top 1oo.

Our son Timmy turned seven and is now taking applications for bus drivers for his upcoming Comedy Tour. Jay Leno has helped him get this tour started, and most shows are sold out already. That gentleman with the funny puppets will be opening for him. We just love that jalepeno pepper!

Once again, the dog won the Westminster Kennel Club's highest prize. He's such a wonderful animal. His Highness Marvelous Marvin Alfred Lord Puppykins always comes when we call him. Oh, we are so blessed!

Jesse has continued to thrive in his position at the New York Stock Exchange, where he runs, well everything. In spite of the economic downturn, he earned fourteen raises this year, and was given eight national commendations, appeared on 32 talk shows as an "expert in his field" and still found time to coach Timmy's Little League team to their fourth straight national title, write the sequel to his best-selling novel, cook dinner three times a week, and rub my feet every night. Sorry girls, the last great man is taken!

I have kept myself busy as well. I finally was able to propagate that blue rose, and the accolades continue to roll in. My part time landscaping business in taking off, and I will begin work on the White House Rose Garden this spring. My night classes for my doctorate in art history are going wonderfully, and the Detroit Art Institute predicts the new wing they are building to house my artwork will be completed on schedule! Mark you calendars for the Summer '09 opening!

Homeschooling is going great-all three kids are reading the complete works of Tolstoy and each one has decided to translate them into a foreign language: the oldest into ancient Sanskrit, the middle child wants to work with Chinese, and the youngest will translate this great literature into Greek. The children all now play at least three instruments each, and are building a lifesize android in the basement.

We smile all day long, we eat every meal together, after which we have a daily devotion which dad has published for each of you. We got to do a bit of traveling this year as well: we started off by heading to Tahoe, then it was off to Disney, a quick trip to the Cape, and this summer, that safari in Africa. In our spare time, we added a new wing onto the house to include that indoor pool we've been wanting, and the putting green for dad. It has been an amazing year!

Assorted mushy gag-inducing closings,

The Perfects

Can I just say "AAAAAAUUUUGH!!!" What I wouldn't give for an honest Christmas letter:

Hey people,

I realize that we haven't written or called or even really thought about you all year, but someone said we gotta write these silly little letters, so here's ours.

We still live here. Drop in any time, but be ready to see laundry to be folded in the living room, dishes in my sink, and every school book the kids own, along with some spilled Kool-aid, half a bowl of cereal, and a week's worth of mail on the dining room table.

We did not go anywhere interesting this year, except for that unfortunate zoo field trip, which I can't discuss, since the lawsuit is still pending.

Dad is still employed.

We still have the dog. He still hates you all. And no, he's not house trained yet. Get over it.

The kids did not attempt to kill one another today. We are marking today in the "success" column.

I don't have time to write anymore, and you don't care what I am saying anyway.

Yeah, well, good bye until next year. Sorry about the spaghetti sauce stains on the envelope.

Love,

The Normals